Infertility
It has taken me the last few weeks to decide if I am actually grateful for this life experience but I've decided that I am grateful to have lived it and moved on. Without getting too personal, I have an irregular cycle and some family history of fertility issues and so I knew even as a teenager that it was going to be a challenge for me to get pregnant. All I've ever really wanted to be was a mother so a year after we were married we decided it was time to go off of birth control and see what happened. The answer was absolutely nothing. A year later I decided it was time to talk to our family doctor and he prescribed Clomid, a typical first fertility treatment since it helps you ovulate. A year and a half later I was starting to get worried when still nothing happened.
At that point we moved to California and I started see an infertility specialist an hour away from where we lived. She started me on different medication and then we moved to giving myself shots for ten days and then seeing how many eggs had matured before giving the ovulation shot. At one point it was seven and I had to take a leap of faith and say let's do this. Still nothing. So we did the shots again, this time at a higher dosage.
Finally, after almost three years, it happened. At eight weeks I saw a little heartbeat. But then the medication overstimulated my body, I swelled up like a balloon and had to be hospitalized. They were able to calm everything down but when I went in for my twelve week appointment a few weeks later, I could tell that something wasn't right and it was no surprise when she told me there was no longer a heartbeat. I was an hour south of our house, my husband an hour north of our house and with no cell phones or way to get in touch with him at work to tell him the devastating news, I just had to handle it alone at first. I scheduled the D&C instead of waiting to miscarry and left in a heartbroken daze.
I called my husband as soon as I got home and he left work immediately. We spent the whole evening just crying on the couch together and watching episodes of Gilmore Girls. A friend of mine called to check in and after hearing the news, she showed up at our door with food an hour later, an unexpected kindness I will never forget. The operation went smoothly and the next night I remember going to see the Los Angeles Symphony play at the Hollywood Bowl with John Williams guest conducting. It was an amazing concert and such a good distraction. It was almost a relief that after the operation we couldn't do any fertility treatments for three months. We moved to Ohio a month later so I had to find new doctor and start over again.
I really liked my new doctor and was thrilled he was only 30 minutes from my house. He gave me a combination of a new pill plus the shots and combined that with another medication he had me on to finally do the trick. A good number of eggs matured so we did the ovulation shot and two weeks later on Dec 6 I went in for testing and was told I was pregnant. I was cautiously excited and nervous because my previous doctor had suggested doing Heparin shots to hopefully prevent another miscarriage. This meant twice a day for months my husband had to give me shots in my side (I couldn't do it to myself). I was bruised all over and hated every minute of it but kept telling myself it would be worth it. Thankfully my new doctor determined these shots were unnecessary and at 17 weeks I was able to stop them.
Four years after going off of birth control and hoping to get pregnant, I delivered a perfect baby girl and became a mother. Somehow my body figured it out too because #2 came out of the blue (first time out of probably 100 pregnancy tests that I finally got a positive!) and for #3 and #4 I only had to go on the very first level of medication to get my body into gear. It is such an amazing blessing to be a mother and to have children.
It was a struggle to be so out of control, to mess so much with my hormones and body, to feel useless and without purpose, to wonder when and how it was all going to finally happen. But I learned a lot. I learned empathy for others who struggle with infertility or have miscarried. I learned to rely on the Lord. I learned from the example of the faithful women in the scriptures like Sarah and Hannah to be patient, or wait in faith while still doing my best. I learned to be grateful for the time I had to serve others and have fun with my husband. It helps me now when I'm frustrated with my children to remember how badly I wanted them and how hard I worked to get them here.
I know there are others who have gone through a whole lot more than I did, like IVF and some multiple times, and I appreciate that I was lucky to not have to go that far and that I was able to have children at all. I know our challenges in life are designed for each one of us individually to help us grow into the people we are supposed to be and while it was a very difficult experience for me, I can say now that I'm grateful to have gone through it.
At that point we moved to California and I started see an infertility specialist an hour away from where we lived. She started me on different medication and then we moved to giving myself shots for ten days and then seeing how many eggs had matured before giving the ovulation shot. At one point it was seven and I had to take a leap of faith and say let's do this. Still nothing. So we did the shots again, this time at a higher dosage.
Finally, after almost three years, it happened. At eight weeks I saw a little heartbeat. But then the medication overstimulated my body, I swelled up like a balloon and had to be hospitalized. They were able to calm everything down but when I went in for my twelve week appointment a few weeks later, I could tell that something wasn't right and it was no surprise when she told me there was no longer a heartbeat. I was an hour south of our house, my husband an hour north of our house and with no cell phones or way to get in touch with him at work to tell him the devastating news, I just had to handle it alone at first. I scheduled the D&C instead of waiting to miscarry and left in a heartbroken daze.
I called my husband as soon as I got home and he left work immediately. We spent the whole evening just crying on the couch together and watching episodes of Gilmore Girls. A friend of mine called to check in and after hearing the news, she showed up at our door with food an hour later, an unexpected kindness I will never forget. The operation went smoothly and the next night I remember going to see the Los Angeles Symphony play at the Hollywood Bowl with John Williams guest conducting. It was an amazing concert and such a good distraction. It was almost a relief that after the operation we couldn't do any fertility treatments for three months. We moved to Ohio a month later so I had to find new doctor and start over again.
I really liked my new doctor and was thrilled he was only 30 minutes from my house. He gave me a combination of a new pill plus the shots and combined that with another medication he had me on to finally do the trick. A good number of eggs matured so we did the ovulation shot and two weeks later on Dec 6 I went in for testing and was told I was pregnant. I was cautiously excited and nervous because my previous doctor had suggested doing Heparin shots to hopefully prevent another miscarriage. This meant twice a day for months my husband had to give me shots in my side (I couldn't do it to myself). I was bruised all over and hated every minute of it but kept telling myself it would be worth it. Thankfully my new doctor determined these shots were unnecessary and at 17 weeks I was able to stop them.
Four years after going off of birth control and hoping to get pregnant, I delivered a perfect baby girl and became a mother. Somehow my body figured it out too because #2 came out of the blue (first time out of probably 100 pregnancy tests that I finally got a positive!) and for #3 and #4 I only had to go on the very first level of medication to get my body into gear. It is such an amazing blessing to be a mother and to have children.
It was a struggle to be so out of control, to mess so much with my hormones and body, to feel useless and without purpose, to wonder when and how it was all going to finally happen. But I learned a lot. I learned empathy for others who struggle with infertility or have miscarried. I learned to rely on the Lord. I learned from the example of the faithful women in the scriptures like Sarah and Hannah to be patient, or wait in faith while still doing my best. I learned to be grateful for the time I had to serve others and have fun with my husband. It helps me now when I'm frustrated with my children to remember how badly I wanted them and how hard I worked to get them here.
I know there are others who have gone through a whole lot more than I did, like IVF and some multiple times, and I appreciate that I was lucky to not have to go that far and that I was able to have children at all. I know our challenges in life are designed for each one of us individually to help us grow into the people we are supposed to be and while it was a very difficult experience for me, I can say now that I'm grateful to have gone through it.
I can relate to wondering if I'm grateful for some of the stuff I've gone through. I'll never forget the hug you gave me when I was miscarrying. It was rough, but between that and abbys birth and Ellie... I think all of those experiences have made me more compassionate and a better person all around. Thanks for sharing!
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