The lengthy month of May

Here we are in May, which has already felt so long. Last week I went to Salt Lake City to be with my sister, Cindy.  It happened to coincide with BYU graduation so Debbie was there too. I was very nervous about the trip for a few reasons. First, it was hard to leave my family. It took a lot of work and planning and help to be gone. I wrote out the schedule a few times and coordinated with Josh to figure out what he could do and then filled in the holes with the help of friends. I planned and prepared dinners for most of the nights since no one would have time to cook. I tried to think through everything and make sure it was all taken care of to try and make things as easy as possible for Josh since he was also working and very busy. I felt a bit guilty going but he 100 percent supported me and even when Emma was crying, I told her that Aunt Cindy needed my help and I needed her to not make me feel badly about it. 

Second, I wasn’t sure how I was going to be helpful to Cindy. Was she going to want to talk or would she let me cook for her or would I be sitting around wondering why I was there? It was a lot of emotion and I just wasn’t sure how it was going to work out, which made me anxious. But I love Cindy so much and have always looked up to her so I was just hoping to be of some help to her in whatever way I could.

So I left Tuesday and flew forever. I didn’t change planes but had two stops and didn’t get in until 9:30 pm. I hadn’t slept well the night before and then we ended up staying up and talking for awhile and then I had a hard time sleeping. It was wonderful to see my sisters though and my nephews and niece. 

Wednesday we did yard work together. We planted flowers and put down mulch and dirt and pruned. We ran a bunch of errands and just tried to help Cindy check things off her very long to do list. Carter came up that night and it was good to see him before he flew home the next morning. He leaves for his mission in Brazil at the end of the month. 

Thursday Debbie went down to Provo to be with her boys and Cindy and I ran more errands and talked some and then she came with me to have lunch with two of my favorites, Shelly and Christina. It was so good to see them and even though we only had an hour, it really made me happy, as did eating at Cafe Rio. That night I convinced Cindy and Quinn to go to TCBY with me, which is my favorite frozen yogurt place. It was fun to just get out and do simple things with her and her kids. 

Friday I went with Debbie down to Provo and went to Timothy’s BYU graduation, except we didn’t see him during the processional, only to find out he had passed out in the hallway and EMTs were checking him out. Thankfully he was able to get across the stage and have his moment but the rest of the day was a bit of a bust. He just wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go back to his apartment to sleep so we dropped him off and went to the BYU store and picked up Ethan to go get lunch. The papusa place Josh and I used to love is still open so I convinced them to go eat there and it was so delicious! It was fun to catch up with Ethan too. Since Timothy was still down and out and not up for any celebrating, Debbie and I went back to Cindy’s and spent the evening playing games. Abbey was sad she had missed out on TCBY the night before so being a good aunt, I took her to go get some and it was so good. I really enjoyed being back on campus and I just love BYU. I have so many good memories and experiences and I know things have changed but the Y on the mountain still makes me proud and teary-eyed and I got mint brownies to bring home to my family and I couldn't help thinking of the many friends and roommates and classes I had that shaped my life. It was especially fun to be in the field house where I watched and scored many a volleyball game (best job ever!) and also it brought back memories of Josh's graduation, which was one of the happiest days ever. I am proud of Timothy and glad I could be there with Debbie to share in that moment.

 

 

 

 

Saturday morning we went to Abbey’s soccer game and my niece, Tatum, came up from Provo to see it too. It was fun to see so many of the college kids. Then Abbey and Cindy left for a track meet and Debbie took me to the airport. I had an easy flight and got home around 11pm. I was so tired, emotionally and physically, but Sunday morning I had to get up to get to church early to run through a special musical number and I also was playing the organ. Both went well though and it was a beautiful meeting. Then there were meetings afterwards and an adult fireside that night so it was a busy Sunday. 

This week has been so busy and it has been overwhelming at times but I am really proud of my kids. Lily had her band concert and she played so well. She also took her first AP exam and did biology state testing plus dance and piano. Curtis had baseball practice and a game and he played so well. I was so pumped for him Thursday night! He pitched amazingly well, had three great hits (one went over the outfielder's head!) and two amazing catches that resulted in outs. He also fulfilled his calling responsibilities as well as played the piano in a youth talent show. Brandon also had baseball and Emma has had dance and chorus and math state testing all week and they have just been rocking it all. They are all so responsible and hard-working and I'm grateful for them and their patience with me as I try to make it all happen for them. It is worth it though and I'm glad they all have goals and want to learn new things and are willing to work for them. I also spent a lot of time at the school this week helping out with the teacher appreciation activities and I enjoyed it.

I have felt a deep undercurrent of fear and sadness and other feelings I cannot describe the last few weeks though. I remember being really fearful after Glen died and not wanting to be separated from Josh at all. It took me months and months to get over those feelings and the constant thought that I could lose him at any second and be alone. Now I am feeling that again and the stress of him traveling for work is more than just trying to figure out how to get my kids to their activities but an emotional one as well; that this could be my life and he might not ever come back. I know it is an emotional reaction to Greg's death but I can't talk myself out of these feelings. I know they will go away in time and I will just count down the days until Josh gets back. Hopefully then I will feel more like myself again and not stressed and sad and worried all of the time. 

I was so lonely sitting at the baseball games this week and couldn't help wondering how my life really would be if Josh were gone. Cindy has an incredible support system with neighbors and church friends and her kids all have amazing teammates and coaches who support them, plus Greg's family and a lot of our extended family is all out in Utah. Even a month after his passing, people were still dropping by with flowers and coming over to help out and to talk and offer their condolences. I am so happy she has that and just hope that Josh stays healthy and safe for many years to come because I am not a good enough neighbor or friend and we have no family close by so I think my experience would be much different.