A heavy heart but a it's good ride
I also have felt so sad for people I care about dealing with heartbreaking situations with family and health. Then I've been so stressed about all the things my kids are doing and all the things I need to remember to do for them and remind them to do for themselves. Sometimes my head just feels so full of dates and to-do lists and responsibilities and it can be stressful.
I have been called up for jury duty soon and I am so incredibly anxious about it. I have never done it before and hate the idea of being out of control of my schedule for two weeks. Who is going to pick up my kids or be here when they get home from school? It takes a lot of work to keep this family running and what is going to happen if I'm stuck in a courtroom for days? I keep hoping they won't need me and that it won't be a big deal but I'm super anxious about it and have woken up a few days with my heart racing and sweaty just thinking about it. I have a lot to remember and take care of and most days it is all good but the past few days it has just felt like a lot. That has made me feel lonely too because I don't have any family around and my friends are few in number these days and dealing with their own stuff so I just don't feel like I have anyone I can count on to be there for me if I needed help.
On a brighter note I talked with a friend last week while I was walking that I haven't actually talked to in a very long time. She lives two hours away and is one of my dearest friends but life has gotten in the way of us connecting. It was great to hear her voice and laugh with her and I hope we can work it out soon to see each other. I have been thinking a lot about change because we both feel like we're kind of the same as we were 20 years ago when we were roommates at BYU. Obviously we're not but our connection is still the same and I think part of it is because our cores haven't changed. We still value the same things and have the same priorities in life. I found out another friend got divorced and I was so heart-broken to find out it was because she decided to leave the church and her husband and her job at BYU. I don't know why she made those choices but her husband met up with Josh when he was out visiting for work and he is still the nicest guy and active in church and they are co-parenting successfully so that is good. But our connection is broken because she is so different from when I knew her and we were friends. She stopped sending me Christmas cards and emailing me back and just hasn't seemed interested in being my friend the last few years and that makes me sad. It makes me sad when people change and you don't know them anymore. Thankfully I still have wonderful friends that I don't get to see often but who are still my friends and we still connect and our friendship can stay the same. That is a blessing.
We've been up to life lately. Valentine's day was low-key but nice with some flowers and even a balloon for me, books and chocolates for the kids and Josh got some of his favorite snacks. I taught piano and did laundry and Josh brought home Mission BBQ for dinner. We had gone out to Texas Roadhouse the Friday before so that was nice. I went to book club which was fun, I've been walking and going to the gym, driving all over, reading quite a bit and teaching piano lessons. Friday was Curtis's birthday and it was also low-key since it was a busy school day. We had German pancakes for dinner and he opened his presents (white shirts and ties, some Legos and lots and lots of books!) and then we had the amazing peanut butter cup ice cream cake I had made. Then we took Emma to dance and Josh and I went to a sweetheart dance at church while Lily and Curtis hung out and watched a movie together. The dance was nicely decorated and had good food but none of our friends were there for awhile (Ainas did show up and that was fun) so we just danced and I decided not to care what anyone thought and was kind of crazy and had fun with Josh. Driving home I was suddenly self-conscious like, what have I done, but whatever. I feel like I should be past the point in life where I worry what other people think but I don't know if I'll ever grow up enough for that to totally be true. We tried to go to IHOP for dinner Saturday to finish the birthday celebration but they told us it would be a 15 minute wait and after almost 40 minutes we had to bail. We ran across the street to Bob Evans and scarfed down our food so we could get Lily to her stake youth activity on time. She had so much fun and I was glad.
It is strange and wonderful that Curtis is 12 now. He is so tall and skinny and is wearing man-sized shoes and shirts. He has been a bit challenging lately with some serious laziness (he would love to just be left alone to read all day) but he is a good boy. His band teacher sent me a nice email about him the other day and I got a sweet text from a lady at church to whom he passes the sacrament each week saying what a kind soul he is. He is incredibly capable and good at what he tries and I just wish he would work harder. His teacher told us he is the most advanced reader she has seen in a very long time and it is wonderful that he reads so much (SO MUCH!) but it is also easy for him and entertaining and it means he puts off doing work that he doesn't want to do. He has his last basketball game Saturday and then next week he has his baseball skills assessment and then that season will get going mid-March. I'm so glad he is interested in sports because it keeps him active and social and pushes him a bit.
Monday Brandon got to go with a friend to the National Aquarium in Baltimore and he had a great day. The rest of us did laundry, I took Lily shopping, then the Wiests came over for piano and we hung out. We went for a walk and played a game and then they stayed for dinner. Tuesday I made some food for a teacher appreciation luncheon and cleaned and then yesterday I was seriously back and forth from my house so many times. This morning Brandon had a super cute concert at school and I love my little buddy. He just came over and gave me a hug this morning when I was reading the news and crying and I'm so grateful for his tender heart.
Life is a gift and a blessing and I'm so grateful for my testimony of Jesus Christ and his restored gospel that brings me peace in these times of heaviness. President Hinckley said life is like a railroad trip that is mostly bumpy and dusty and long but with amazing vistas every once in awhile and the trick is to thank God for letting us take the ride. I'm grateful every day for my good ride.
Comments
Post a Comment