Week 34
Wednesday I sent Brandon off to school again and he was happy to go. Going once a week is kind of weird but I'll take it. Even just having one less kid to worry about all day with school work makes such a big difference. I did body pump and read a lot. I just finished Becoming by Michelle Obama and it was cool to finish it right around another election because she talks a lot about the elections at the end of her book. I enjoyed it and now Lily is reading it. It is a very different point of view and experience than me and I like reading books that teach me like that.
Thursday I cut the grass, made a grocery list, taught piano, took Lily to dance, made dinner and then we were off to Curtis's baseball game. The season was supposed to be over already but with all the rain he had two make up games this weekend. Thursday's game was a bit tough since they aren't practicing anymore and it showed. But Josh got Lily from dance and we all got to sit together for the second half of the game and it was fun.
Friday I taught another piano lesson, made cookies for my friend's birthday, did grocery pick up, helped with school and cleaned the kitchen. It is constantly messy with my kids eating in it all day and not wiping the table or sweeping and I finally had to take it back on Friday. Then I took Lily to dance and we got Wendy's and went to Curtis's last game. It was a good team but our team played well and it was fun to watch. Curtis had a couple of good hits and played catcher and first base. It is going to be a challenging winter to keep him active and social without a sport to play but hopefully going back to school for at least two days a week will help him. Just one more week! I am so excited for them....and me! We watched a fun BYU game that night too and stayed up until 1:30am to watch the whole thing. It is so exciting to actually have a good team this year and be winning, especially against Boise State. I am still bitter about sitting in the snow one year when Boise State came to play in Provo and they smushed us 50 something to 3 while I was freezing. So it felt good to smush them back at home on their ugly blue turf.
Yesterday was such a beautiful fall day. We did some family cleaning in the morning and then Curtis went to play with his friend, Josh took the other kids to run errands and I was blissfully alone at home for 10 minutes before I went to go run some of my own errands. I drove the back roads and enjoyed the fall colors and sunshine and it was a nice couple of hours getting stuff done and having a break from being a mom for a bit. Then we had a nice dinner and watched some Full House (we got the first season from the library and my kids are loving it, except the romantic parts mostly with Jesse) and then there was a stake youth activity. It was nice and hopefully will get Lily going on some goals.
Today is a beautiful day and Josh will be gone or busy literally all day. He started with a meeting at 7:45am and will be occupied with church responsibilities until 9 pm this evening. I don't even know if he will have time for dinner. I have been thinking a lot lately about how I feel about his calling. We are at about the half way point and that is exciting. The first year was crushingly difficult because everything was new and an adjustment. The second year was better as we both settled into the responsibilities a bit better and we weren't so overwhelmed by it all. Since the two-year-mark in April, the challenge has been dealing with all the Covid-19 restrictions and how to handle everything. The good part has been that he is home more but he is still in meetings or phone calls and it still takes a lot of time, we just win on the driving/commuting time, which isn't that much but we'll take it. The last few months have been unusually difficult because of Josh's work and also some church stuff. I know nothing about any given situation but I know when he is incredibly stressed and talking a lot to the stake president and emotionally drained that something heavy is happening and it weighs on our whole family without us even realizing it. Then tithing settlement started and that is always a busy time but for some reason it feels even more difficult this year, maybe just because he has been so busy already that just when things were calming down at work, they picked up at church so we still hardly see him.
I try not to make him feel badly for being gone a lot and I try to be kind when he is tired and emotionally drained and I try to not be resentful of how he talks more to ward leaders some days than me and I try to keep the perspective that all of this sacrifice and effort for the Lord and His church and His work is going to mean beautiful, wonderful things in our future and eternity, and that helps. I still miss him and his support and friendship and parenting help and wish he wasn't so stressed all of the time though. This is where simple feelings become complicated. I know it is right and good and that we are receiving blessings but it is still hard and I won't be sad when it is over and we are done. Kind of like my mission--I wouldn't change anything about it and I'm so glad I did it and I had life-changing experiences that I cherish, but I was super happy to come home. I am more used to it now but still don't like that sometimes it feels like the whole ward and all their problems are in the middle of our marriage, taking up his time and emotional energy that would normally be spent on me or our family. I don't like when I know he is really struggling with something but can't talk to me about it, which creates distance if I let it. I don't like when he is busy texting a ward member late at night because they were offended by something (he never tells me who or what) and how somehow because he is the bishop everything that happens in the ward is somehow his fault. Thankfully, I know the challenges are all temporary but the changes his service is making in his heart and in our family are hopefully blessings that will last forever. While I was cutting the grass the other day for some reason I started thinking about the testimony I will share when he gets released and wondered how honest and straight to be about how happy I will be without seeming like we weren't happy to have had the opportunity and blessing to serve the Lord. I suppose I still have time to figure all that out. Right now I know that being a bishop is difficult and being his wife is no picnic but I have faith and hope that it is all worth it. Hopefully it shows Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ that I am willing to do whatever they ask of me because I really do want to live with them again and feel that very deeply in my soul. I am so grateful for the atonement of Jesus Christ and look forward to the day when I can thank him in person for what he has done for me and I hope he'll be pleased with my small efforts to do something for him.
Well, that's what has been on my mind lately. I can't believe it is already November and I started shopping for Christmas. We decided we can't hold our annual Christmas party and that makes me sad because I've hosted it every year since we got married, even when we had just moved somewhere and had no friends which meant very awkward parties. Still, the party went on, but it just doesn't feel responsible this year and I already know some of our friends wouldn't be comfortable coming and I have no interest in hosting a virtual party. I realized last night that none of the things we love to do around Christmas time will be happening this year and that is kind of sad. I suppose it will be our most stress-free December ever with no concerts to practice for or activities to go to or any fun to be had anywhere. Sigh. We are looking forward to seeing my family for Thanksgiving though and can't believe how soon it is!
Comments
Post a Comment