Emotional Labor
I read an interesting article lately about what the author called emotional labor. She talks about wanting to get a cleaning service for Mother's day and how her husband handled the situation, which mostly led to him just doing it himself because he misunderstood what exactly it was she wanted. The true gift was going to be the work of researching different cleaning companies, talking to friends and vetting companies and then making the appointment, relieving her of the time and energy it would take to make it happen. She said a clean house was just going to be a bonus gift. But instead he thought she just wanted a clean bathroom, did it himself and then was frustrated when she wasn't grateful. While he is a super helpful husband, he has to be asked to do anything, making his wife the one who bears all the emotional labor burden.
It goes on about how to discuss emotional labor with your spouse, how frustrating it can be to wives when their husbands don't have equal initiative and the gender roles we are passing on to our children. She said it is frustrating when tasks she regularly does need to be lauded when her husband does them and she sees that in her children. Her daughter will just put her clothes away without being asked but if her son's room is clean he wants applause.
While I certainly don't agree with everything in the article and I feel that a lot of it has to do with individual personality, I have felt what she describes before. I think the term emotional labor is very interesting and I like having a label for what I do. There was a time Josh was going out of town and leaving me with a really tricky kid schedule. I felt so overwhelmed wondering how I was going to manage everything alone and it was frustrating that he just left and didn't seem concerned. Later when we talked about it he said that he just really values how capable and independent I am, which is true and he's right that I didn't need him to solve the problem for me, but it was the emotional labor that was daunting to me. I would have appreciated his emotional back up; I just wanted him to acknowledge that he was leaving me in a tough spot and at least offer to arrange something or talk to someone for help. I would have said no, I got this, but I think his emotional support and confidence would have boosted me.
In general, I feel we share our emotional labor pretty well. There are plenty of things he doesn't know anything about, like who our kids teachers are and my daughter's dance schedule or even how to pay our bills, but I don't know anything about our computers, I do zero car maintenance, never change smoke detector batteries, and then of course he works all day as a very competent engineer doing things I know nothing about.
But there are still times when he's so wrapped up with work or church responsibilities that I plan our family vacations and do all of the prep work myself and he has literally just shown up. I handle all of our money, which is good since I am the one spending it all, but it also means I have the burden of responsibility alone to make sure we are being financially responsible. He never walks around our house and thinks, we should fix that or that needs to be taken care of, but then again he isn't home a lot and usually he's being a really good dad when he is. It seems unfair to expect a busy, working dad and husband to equally share our home burden when it is my full-time job. If I was working outside the home I can see how sharing those responsibilities more equally would make sense, but I am here all of the time and why should he have to remember our daughter's dance schedule when I already do? On the other side of that, he has a team at work and helpers at church but he is all I've got at home and managing a household of six is no easy task.
Maybe the important thing is for spouses to be aware of emotional labor and acknowledge it and express appreciation to their spouse for handling it. I am sure that every husband could improve to some degree on better sharing not just the work of household tasks but the emotional responsibility of the family. I think sometimes when women talk about their husband being like another child they have to take care of that it comes from an emotional labor imbalance. It leaves the wife feeling like she has to task her husband, just like we have to do with our kids, when instead he should know what needs to get done (and what the kids need to get done too) and be more of an equal partner instead of waiting around to be told what to do. I would think most men aren't like that at work and maybe it is the exhaustion of taking initiative and being in charge of things all day at work that make it tiring to have to do that at home too where they want to relax and be taken care of.
I don't have a good answer but this has been an interesting discussion and thought process for me. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful husband and a marriage with great communication. I really do adore my husband, want nothing more than to be with him all of the time and appreciate how hard he works for our family and in serving the Lord. But every relationship can improve and I feel like this idea of emotional labor is something that is going to help us iron out some of our wrinkles, if nothing else just by leading us to a better understanding of each other.
Here is the link to the article if you are interested (please just don't mind the offensive artwork):
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/?fbclid=IwAR2cAXkem_E-Q3GQtOBJ_7MkLcSssmXI8lQIqd4TXiOIV9tYJNFXhPoazPU
It goes on about how to discuss emotional labor with your spouse, how frustrating it can be to wives when their husbands don't have equal initiative and the gender roles we are passing on to our children. She said it is frustrating when tasks she regularly does need to be lauded when her husband does them and she sees that in her children. Her daughter will just put her clothes away without being asked but if her son's room is clean he wants applause.
While I certainly don't agree with everything in the article and I feel that a lot of it has to do with individual personality, I have felt what she describes before. I think the term emotional labor is very interesting and I like having a label for what I do. There was a time Josh was going out of town and leaving me with a really tricky kid schedule. I felt so overwhelmed wondering how I was going to manage everything alone and it was frustrating that he just left and didn't seem concerned. Later when we talked about it he said that he just really values how capable and independent I am, which is true and he's right that I didn't need him to solve the problem for me, but it was the emotional labor that was daunting to me. I would have appreciated his emotional back up; I just wanted him to acknowledge that he was leaving me in a tough spot and at least offer to arrange something or talk to someone for help. I would have said no, I got this, but I think his emotional support and confidence would have boosted me.
In general, I feel we share our emotional labor pretty well. There are plenty of things he doesn't know anything about, like who our kids teachers are and my daughter's dance schedule or even how to pay our bills, but I don't know anything about our computers, I do zero car maintenance, never change smoke detector batteries, and then of course he works all day as a very competent engineer doing things I know nothing about.
But there are still times when he's so wrapped up with work or church responsibilities that I plan our family vacations and do all of the prep work myself and he has literally just shown up. I handle all of our money, which is good since I am the one spending it all, but it also means I have the burden of responsibility alone to make sure we are being financially responsible. He never walks around our house and thinks, we should fix that or that needs to be taken care of, but then again he isn't home a lot and usually he's being a really good dad when he is. It seems unfair to expect a busy, working dad and husband to equally share our home burden when it is my full-time job. If I was working outside the home I can see how sharing those responsibilities more equally would make sense, but I am here all of the time and why should he have to remember our daughter's dance schedule when I already do? On the other side of that, he has a team at work and helpers at church but he is all I've got at home and managing a household of six is no easy task.
Maybe the important thing is for spouses to be aware of emotional labor and acknowledge it and express appreciation to their spouse for handling it. I am sure that every husband could improve to some degree on better sharing not just the work of household tasks but the emotional responsibility of the family. I think sometimes when women talk about their husband being like another child they have to take care of that it comes from an emotional labor imbalance. It leaves the wife feeling like she has to task her husband, just like we have to do with our kids, when instead he should know what needs to get done (and what the kids need to get done too) and be more of an equal partner instead of waiting around to be told what to do. I would think most men aren't like that at work and maybe it is the exhaustion of taking initiative and being in charge of things all day at work that make it tiring to have to do that at home too where they want to relax and be taken care of.
I don't have a good answer but this has been an interesting discussion and thought process for me. I feel very blessed to have such a wonderful husband and a marriage with great communication. I really do adore my husband, want nothing more than to be with him all of the time and appreciate how hard he works for our family and in serving the Lord. But every relationship can improve and I feel like this idea of emotional labor is something that is going to help us iron out some of our wrinkles, if nothing else just by leading us to a better understanding of each other.
Here is the link to the article if you are interested (please just don't mind the offensive artwork):
https://www.harpersbazaar.com/culture/features/a12063822/emotional-labor-gender-equality/?fbclid=IwAR2cAXkem_E-Q3GQtOBJ_7MkLcSssmXI8lQIqd4TXiOIV9tYJNFXhPoazPU
Thanks for sharing, Alecia. I also get tired of the "emotional labor." As you said, it is nice to have a name for it. I enjoyed reading your perspective!
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