Enough
It is Christmas time, a time I love and from which comes many of my fond childhood memories. However, as an adult, some of the magic has certainly been lost in the work of it all. This has only been emphasized this year because my husband is working a ton of overtime and between that and heavy church responsibilities, he has hardly been home in three weeks and has two more of this to go. Then the last week or so he has been really sick so even when he was home he was sleeping. It has been a bit lonely doing almost all of the decorating, gift planning, baking, party planning, as well as general life/family management with little support (not by his own choice).
The most difficult feeling of all is that of just not being enough. More times than I can count the past few weeks I have put my head in my hands and thought, I can't make this all happen. It isn't even in the commercial part of Christmas that many would say to cut out in order to simplify our lives. We have filled our lives with many good and wonderful service opportunities and yet I still don't have enough energy, enough patience, enough love to feel anything other than fatigue.
For example, the worldwide day of service on December 1 kind of sneaked up on us. My husband had been gone every night that week doing church stuff and I was exhausted from keeping everything else up. Then we were supposed to participate in a day of service but nothing was organized and we hadn't even talked about it until that morning. I suppose if we had been awesome parents, that is what we would have spent our day doing but we went and got our Christmas tree instead and we had our first family dinner of the week. Late that night I ended up donating some money to UNICEF to alleviate my guilt that we didn't actually do anything to serve that day. I didn't involve my children at all because they were already in bed. Again, I felt it wasn't enough to really make a difference, I didn't make enough effort to teach or involve my kids, I didn't do it with enough thought. But I could check the box that I participated in the Light the World campaign at least for that week, even if we still kind of dropped the ball on the worldwide day of service.
I signed up to bring a secret Santa gift to someone in need, I am helping to decorate and am participating in our community Christmas concert, I am donating food to feed the homeless dinner one night, I am feeding our missionaries dinner and watching a friend's kids and doing everything that is supposed to help me feel the spirit of our Savior and of Christmas. And yet, all I feel is fatigue and an absence of guilt. Why isn't it enough to feel those special warm feelings? What more does a girl have to do? I have friends who are managing to have really special and meaningful experiences serving with their kids and so it is possible with some effort and planning. I should be grateful for their good examples but right now all I can feel is sadness that once again, I am not doing enough which means I am failing to teach my children selflessness and love and and the joy of service. I know we're not supposed to compare but it does feel a bit deflating when I have a friend who isn't even buying her kids presents this year because they donated most of the money and my kid has a long list for Santa that includes mostly silly things. I practically begged her to tell Santa when we saw him at an activity last weekend that she wanted peace and love for Christmas and was thrilled when she told him a craft table instead of the many other trivial things she had mentioned in the car on the way there.
It doesn't seem very Christmassy to admit such feelings of emptiness but I haven't given up hope. My entire life is structured around serving others and I have hope that I can help and serve all year and teach my children at times other than just Christmas. I have hope that I will feel that Christmas spirit again, even if it isn't right now. I hope that something I'm doing makes a difference to someone, even if I can't see it or feel it. The best moment I have had in weeks was actually at the gas station two days ago. An elderly woman, who could barely get out of her car, needed help getting her gas pumped and me and the gentleman on the other side of her car both stepped in to assist. All I did was put the pump in the car for her and he actually took care of the rest, but I felt good in that moment.
I imagine at times we all wonder if we are enough. If we are good enough or doing enough to live the gospel of Jesus Christ or if we're teaching our children enough or giving enough or serving enough and I suppose the answer is always going to be no. We can always reach a little higher and do a little more. But I find comfort in the story of the little drummer boy. He didn't have gold to give the King, he only had his one skill of playing a drum. That's not necessarily something I imagine Mary wanted him to do at that moment but they were both accepting of the boy's efforts to give the gift he could give. I imagine Jesus hasn't changed much and will still smile as I keep beating my drum, giving the gift I can give at this moment, even if it isn't good enough. I am hoping that because it is all I have, that He will make it enough.
The most difficult feeling of all is that of just not being enough. More times than I can count the past few weeks I have put my head in my hands and thought, I can't make this all happen. It isn't even in the commercial part of Christmas that many would say to cut out in order to simplify our lives. We have filled our lives with many good and wonderful service opportunities and yet I still don't have enough energy, enough patience, enough love to feel anything other than fatigue.
For example, the worldwide day of service on December 1 kind of sneaked up on us. My husband had been gone every night that week doing church stuff and I was exhausted from keeping everything else up. Then we were supposed to participate in a day of service but nothing was organized and we hadn't even talked about it until that morning. I suppose if we had been awesome parents, that is what we would have spent our day doing but we went and got our Christmas tree instead and we had our first family dinner of the week. Late that night I ended up donating some money to UNICEF to alleviate my guilt that we didn't actually do anything to serve that day. I didn't involve my children at all because they were already in bed. Again, I felt it wasn't enough to really make a difference, I didn't make enough effort to teach or involve my kids, I didn't do it with enough thought. But I could check the box that I participated in the Light the World campaign at least for that week, even if we still kind of dropped the ball on the worldwide day of service.
I signed up to bring a secret Santa gift to someone in need, I am helping to decorate and am participating in our community Christmas concert, I am donating food to feed the homeless dinner one night, I am feeding our missionaries dinner and watching a friend's kids and doing everything that is supposed to help me feel the spirit of our Savior and of Christmas. And yet, all I feel is fatigue and an absence of guilt. Why isn't it enough to feel those special warm feelings? What more does a girl have to do? I have friends who are managing to have really special and meaningful experiences serving with their kids and so it is possible with some effort and planning. I should be grateful for their good examples but right now all I can feel is sadness that once again, I am not doing enough which means I am failing to teach my children selflessness and love and and the joy of service. I know we're not supposed to compare but it does feel a bit deflating when I have a friend who isn't even buying her kids presents this year because they donated most of the money and my kid has a long list for Santa that includes mostly silly things. I practically begged her to tell Santa when we saw him at an activity last weekend that she wanted peace and love for Christmas and was thrilled when she told him a craft table instead of the many other trivial things she had mentioned in the car on the way there.
It doesn't seem very Christmassy to admit such feelings of emptiness but I haven't given up hope. My entire life is structured around serving others and I have hope that I can help and serve all year and teach my children at times other than just Christmas. I have hope that I will feel that Christmas spirit again, even if it isn't right now. I hope that something I'm doing makes a difference to someone, even if I can't see it or feel it. The best moment I have had in weeks was actually at the gas station two days ago. An elderly woman, who could barely get out of her car, needed help getting her gas pumped and me and the gentleman on the other side of her car both stepped in to assist. All I did was put the pump in the car for her and he actually took care of the rest, but I felt good in that moment.
I imagine at times we all wonder if we are enough. If we are good enough or doing enough to live the gospel of Jesus Christ or if we're teaching our children enough or giving enough or serving enough and I suppose the answer is always going to be no. We can always reach a little higher and do a little more. But I find comfort in the story of the little drummer boy. He didn't have gold to give the King, he only had his one skill of playing a drum. That's not necessarily something I imagine Mary wanted him to do at that moment but they were both accepting of the boy's efforts to give the gift he could give. I imagine Jesus hasn't changed much and will still smile as I keep beating my drum, giving the gift I can give at this moment, even if it isn't good enough. I am hoping that because it is all I have, that He will make it enough.
Samesies. I’m over here trying to survive and Christmas is coming really soon and I haven’t done all the things! Its super hard not to compare.
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