Sleepovers
This past week my daughter was officially invited to her first sleepover. As parents, we had decided years ago that our kids just weren't going to do sleepovers. The only exception has been when we go away for a night and they all stay at a friend's house while we are gone, or when we watch kids for friends for the same reason. So this was the first time we had to say no thank you to an invitation and it was a learning experience.
Years ago a church leader was speaking in our general church conference and said that a lot of kids are introduced to things such as drugs, alcohol and pornography at sleepovers. He warned parents to be courageous in protecting our children by being prayerful and willing to say no when we are uneasy about activities, especially overnight ones. This was a true experience for my husband who went to a sleepover and found that his friends had changed from 8th grade to 9th and decided to drink alcohol. He spent the entire night afraid to go to sleep, sitting on chair in the corner, wishing he could go home. I remember playing weird games at my friend's house, like where you sit under a blanket and say that you're on a desert island and you're hot so what should you take off. The answer is of course the blanket but in my naivete I thought they expected my bra or something and so I was really nervous and uncomfortable the whole time, worried I was going to get pranked or not understand what they were talking about and therefore look and feel pretty stupid.
These experiences, in addition to the counsel from our church leader is what led us to decide it is safer for our children to just not do sleepovers. Especially as our kids get older and have friends with parents we might not really know and perhaps older siblings that I don't know or trust with the safety of my daughter, it makes it easier to just say no all together so that we're not having to decide on a friend-by-friend basis.
But this means our kids are going to miss out and maybe feel excluded sometimes and that makes me a bit sad. When my daughter's friend invited her over I originally said she couldn't sleep over but could come and stay until 10 or so and then I would come pick her up. Then it ended up being on a night we had other friends over for dinner so she only would have been able to be there for an hour or two so my daughter decided not to go at all. At first she was disappointed that she wasn't allowed to go sleep over but when we shared with her our concerns and reasons for our rule, she seemed to understand, though I could tell she was worried about disappointing her friends and missing out on time with them. I was really impressed with her maturity though and appreciated that she didn't complain or get angry with us.
After our friends went home that evening, we put all the other kids in bed and I told my daughter she and I could have a little sleepover. We searched for some fun hair websites and I braided her hair as we tried some new styles, then we talked about boys and watched some funny youtube videos. It was some very sweet one-on-one time that I appreciated having and I hoped it would help her not feel so badly about missing out on her friend time.
The next morning she gave me a big hug and said, "Last night was fun, Mom." My heart melted and it taught me two things. First, I don't take enough opportunity to spend time alone with my daughter and need to make more of an effort. Second, for the time being, I'm still a good substitute for her friends. I know that won't last long but it made me appreciate that while my opinion still matters and she still loves spending time with me, I need to take advantage.
It can be tough to be a courageous parent and enforce rules that are unpopular and I am sure that in the near future, she will probably not respond so positively, but this situation gave me hope. As we continue to follow the Holy Spirit's promptings and do what feels good and right concerning our children, I think that things will work out, even when others may think we are strange for disagreeing with something that seems so normal to everyone else. I was used to standing out as a teenager for not watching R rated movies or drinking or swearing or dating seriously, but it is a new experience to watch my child now stand out and to be the parent who stands out for making such a rule. But it is worth it. While other parents have their own rules and standards, I am grateful to be able to follow what feels right for me and my family and thankful to have the courage to do so.
Years ago a church leader was speaking in our general church conference and said that a lot of kids are introduced to things such as drugs, alcohol and pornography at sleepovers. He warned parents to be courageous in protecting our children by being prayerful and willing to say no when we are uneasy about activities, especially overnight ones. This was a true experience for my husband who went to a sleepover and found that his friends had changed from 8th grade to 9th and decided to drink alcohol. He spent the entire night afraid to go to sleep, sitting on chair in the corner, wishing he could go home. I remember playing weird games at my friend's house, like where you sit under a blanket and say that you're on a desert island and you're hot so what should you take off. The answer is of course the blanket but in my naivete I thought they expected my bra or something and so I was really nervous and uncomfortable the whole time, worried I was going to get pranked or not understand what they were talking about and therefore look and feel pretty stupid.
These experiences, in addition to the counsel from our church leader is what led us to decide it is safer for our children to just not do sleepovers. Especially as our kids get older and have friends with parents we might not really know and perhaps older siblings that I don't know or trust with the safety of my daughter, it makes it easier to just say no all together so that we're not having to decide on a friend-by-friend basis.
But this means our kids are going to miss out and maybe feel excluded sometimes and that makes me a bit sad. When my daughter's friend invited her over I originally said she couldn't sleep over but could come and stay until 10 or so and then I would come pick her up. Then it ended up being on a night we had other friends over for dinner so she only would have been able to be there for an hour or two so my daughter decided not to go at all. At first she was disappointed that she wasn't allowed to go sleep over but when we shared with her our concerns and reasons for our rule, she seemed to understand, though I could tell she was worried about disappointing her friends and missing out on time with them. I was really impressed with her maturity though and appreciated that she didn't complain or get angry with us.
After our friends went home that evening, we put all the other kids in bed and I told my daughter she and I could have a little sleepover. We searched for some fun hair websites and I braided her hair as we tried some new styles, then we talked about boys and watched some funny youtube videos. It was some very sweet one-on-one time that I appreciated having and I hoped it would help her not feel so badly about missing out on her friend time.
The next morning she gave me a big hug and said, "Last night was fun, Mom." My heart melted and it taught me two things. First, I don't take enough opportunity to spend time alone with my daughter and need to make more of an effort. Second, for the time being, I'm still a good substitute for her friends. I know that won't last long but it made me appreciate that while my opinion still matters and she still loves spending time with me, I need to take advantage.
It can be tough to be a courageous parent and enforce rules that are unpopular and I am sure that in the near future, she will probably not respond so positively, but this situation gave me hope. As we continue to follow the Holy Spirit's promptings and do what feels good and right concerning our children, I think that things will work out, even when others may think we are strange for disagreeing with something that seems so normal to everyone else. I was used to standing out as a teenager for not watching R rated movies or drinking or swearing or dating seriously, but it is a new experience to watch my child now stand out and to be the parent who stands out for making such a rule. But it is worth it. While other parents have their own rules and standards, I am grateful to be able to follow what feels right for me and my family and thankful to have the courage to do so.
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