Motherhood

I have a sister-in-law who will be having her first baby this summer and it has been fun to go back and try to think about life before I became a mother. I never had any great ambition for a career, although being a travel writer sure sounded fun, but what I ultimately wanted to be when I grew up was a mom who stayed home and took care of the family. To some that may seem demeaning or the formula for a life unfulfilled but for me it is perfect.

I grew up with a wonderful mother who was and continues to be everything that makes a good mom. She is tough and could practically pull things out of the oven without an oven mitt because of her calloused, hard-working hands. She is an excellent cook and made family dinner a special time every night. She taught us to work hard, she encouraged us to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, she took us on picnics and fun trips to the beach, she enjoyed taking us shopping for clothes, and she was always helping or serving other people. My mom is a do-er and when she gets an idea into her head of something she wants to do or get done, you had better not get in her way. She also has great respect and love for my dad and supports him in all the good things he does. Like any mother, she made mistakes (she almost left me by the side of the road one day when I was going through a tough stage as a five-year-old!), but she loves me and taught me well, mostly through her example, of a what a woman should be. 

I am also blessed with a wonderful mother-in-law who has been kind to me since I was 17. She never criticizes me or offers unwanted advice. She supports our family and regularly tells me what a good job I am doing with our kids. She is fun and whimsical and raised a son who is sensitive, committed, honest, hard-working and patient. She makes the best cookies, loves birds and basketball and is a focused listener. She sends me flowers when I'm having a bad day and understands how I feel when we talk. She is a great example of loving people for who they are and I appreciate her sensitivity and compassion. 

My own journey of motherhood has been eventful, as I suppose every one is. It was a struggle to become a mother and then I had this precious little girl that I just laid around and watched for months, simply in awe of her existence. Then her brother shortly joined us and that time is a bit blurry because having two children only 18 months apart is a bit demanding and it was challenging but what a blessing our miracle baby has been to us. Then we waited a bit and had a third little kid who was all smiles and sunshine from day one and then when number four came along, he was as chill and calm as a baby could be. I love them for their distinct personalities and sometimes I look at them and think, wow, I made you! That's amazing!

Motherhood is all-consuming for me and such a careful balance of taking care of myself and keeping four little people alive and well, who are all different and have various physical and emotional needs. I really struggle sometimes being so needed (one of the reasons I hated breast-feeding) and have tried to teach my kids to be as independent as possible, while still wanting to serve them and show them I love them. One of my greatest challenges is figuring out what to do for each kid and how to solve their problems or even better, how to teach them to solve their own problems. I do feel that I receive a lot of guidance from church leaders and the doctrine I believe in but still there is so much room to question myself and wonder if what we're doing is right for this kid in this situation.

I love how my kids think that I know everything and ask me a multitude of questions all day, every day. I suppose the majority of the time I do meet their need and so they keep asking away, but so much of the time I feel like I'm just saying, "I don't know" over and over again. It can be so easy to wonder if I'm doing this motherhood gig at all right or am I emotionally damaging them by just being me (like when I'm somewhat unsympathetic when my kids get hurt or when I get frustrated that my eight-year-old still cries over everything, etc.)  I've told my friends before that we can't judge ourselves on how our kids behave and that we need to be patient as they go through weird stages but what other feedback do we have that we are doing anything right and that our time and efforts are worth it? I believe that there are moments all along the way that we need to look for and enjoy.

I love being a mother. After writing that I sat here and thought for a few minutes about whether I really do love it and while it is difficult sometimes, nothing truly is more rewarding or brings greater joy than my family. My children challenge me in a way I've never been challenged before and in a good way they help me to grow and become refined. I never knew that I had a temper or could even raise my voice until I had children who ignored or deliberately disobeyed me. It is good to discover this and work on it so that eventually I hope to truly be a person slow to anger. They make it impossible for me to be selfish, they are fun and loving and really good snugglers.

It is an honor to be a mother and a responsibility I do not take lightly. I know that God sent me these children to raise and teach and that they each have a mission to accomplish while here on earth. So I teach them to be nice, to pray, to work hard, to develop talents, to seek knowledge, to read the scriptures, to serve others, to appreciate the earth, to respect their bodies, to be grateful, to clean up after themselves, and to make wise choices. Hopefully they will listen and get it and grow up to be wonderful people but I will always love being their mother.