Disappointment

I learned two very important lessons yesterday. First, I am not a performer. Second, practice does not make perfect, unless you can practice in the very environment in which you need to perform.

I was having a fantastic day yesterday. We had some wonderful and seriously quality family time, I found a $20 bill hiding in a Christmas mug, and there was the most perfect and magical Christmas snow falling.

I was even excited to be participating in my church's community Christmas concert. I have a friend who is an amazing singer and she asked me last year for this same annual concert to accompany her while she sang O Holy Night. I got the music and it has six flats (this means it is challenging) but I spent hours practicing it last year and performed it well enough. I made a few mistakes but felt it didn't distract too much from her performance. When she asked me again this year I was excited because I already knew the piece and therefore could focus on nailing it. I started practicing in early November and in the last six weeks I've played it every chance I got. I was so sure that this year I was going to sit down and know it so well that I would do the song justice and not disappoint my friend.

I was warmed up and excited and then I sat down to play. I messed up in the first measure. I thought it was just my nerves and that it would be okay but while I never messed up badly enough to interfere with the singing, I definitely made enough mistakes that it was noticeable and embarrassing. There were so many fine performers there and people used to a high quality of music and performance and I left there feeling so disappointed with myself that I didn't keep up with them. I really felt I had done all I could to be ready and that was what was so disappointing. Unless I had practiced more in front of other people, I don't know how I could have done any better and that just made me feel so badly about myself. I like doing things well and while I am not the most amazing pianist (I often make mistakes when I play in front of other people and am a terrible sight reader) I had worked hard and felt my performance didn't match the effort I put into being prepared for it.

I tried all day not to let it bother me but I'll admit I've been a grump today still just feeling disappointed and like I'm not good enough to contribute when there are others that do it better. I don't like feeling mediocre. I know that I have a lot of weaknesses but when I put my all into something, it usually turns out better. Perhaps this is all childish and slightly dramatic but these feelings are real and I hope I am not alone in feeling them. I suppose the life lesson is learning how to deal with these kind of situations so now that I've told you how I feel it is time to get over it and move on. I'm playing again on Christmas Eve so I had better get practicing.