Letting Go of the Guilt

Just to warn you, this post gets a bit personal.  This is something I’ve been wanting to write about for almost a year but every time I decided to go for it, I get nervous, but this time I’m not wimping out. There are women out there who need to know they are not alone so I’m just going to say it.  

I loath breastfeeding.

I took the class before I was to become a mother and I was committed because breast is best and all of my sisters had done it so I could do it too.  Then I had a baby with a terrible latch and even with three visits with a lactation consultant (despite the fact that I am rather modest and was totally uncomfortable with someone besides my husband watching me try to nurse) and months of effort, it still hurt.  I pushed her feedings for as long as I could and tried all of the creams but she never nursed without clicking her tongue and I never nursed without pain.  After three months I got used to the pain but getting her on was always a process and I couldn’t do it in public because I liked to be covered but she didn’t.  I would have to hold myself with one hand to alleviate the pain and hold her with the other and it was impossible to get comfortable or do anything else while nursing.  Anytime we had company over I had to excuse myself and being in public was a nightmare.   After nine months, we both decided we were done and it was a happy, happy day.  

Along comes child number two.  This time I hope things will be different.  His latch will be better and it won’t hurt so much and we’ll bond and enjoy all those things that they say are supposed to happen when you breastfeed.  Imagine my surprise when his latch was exactly the same.  I started crying right there in the hospital.  The pain was even more intense this time and I tried the creams and the shield and pumping and everything else to try and keep this kid going but the truth is, he cried all of the time because he was hungry and I cried every time I had to feed him and tried to do it as little as possible.  I’d have to give myself a pep talk and remind myself that breast is best and have hope that maybe this time it wouldn’t hurt as badly.  I was always wrong.  Pumping was a little better because then at least I didn’t crack and bleed but it was hard for me to get on a good schedule and stressful to make sure he had enough and I’ll be honest, I hated it too.  As awkward as it felt to breastfeed, at least I knew that it was a natural process.  Pumping, not so much.  I basically spent two months exhausted, stressed and in pain over feeding my child and I wasn’t even doing that good of a job because he was always hungry.  Finally, my sister just gave him a bottle and I felt such relief.  By five months, he was totally weaned and it was another happy, happy day.

Then last year I delivered child number three.  Third time's the charm, right?  Surely this time I’ll be able to successfully nurse a baby and finally get what all my friends talk about when they nurse for months on end because they love it so much.  It was what I was most dreading though.  Being pregnant, no problem.  Delivery, not my favorite but it is short-lived pain.  Nursing goes on for months and months filled with stress, guilt,  pain, awkwardness, and discomfort.  First time nursing baby number three and already I was bleeding and cracked and in pain.  Her latch was actually fine yet it hurt more than ever.  They weren’t going to let me leave the hospital because she hadn’t filled enough diapers yet and they were concerned but finally we got out of there.  Next day we had to go to the pediatrician because baby girl was jaundiced.  In that moment I couldn’t imagine anything worse than putting myself through pain and trying to feed a baby and not have it even be worth it.  My milk just hadn’t come in yet and once it did I had a fine supply but I remember the nurse practitioner looking at me and telling me it was okay not to breastfeed and that if I felt like I needed permission from someone, she was happy to give it.

It was reassuring and helped that it came from a professional.  She helped me appreciate that I wasn’t giving up on my baby or being a lazy or bad mom.  Even then I still nursed for a few more days, although every time I thought how much I hated it instead of how much I loved my baby.  When she was five days old she spit up my blood onto a white outfit and that is when I lost it.  I was D-O-N-E.  I cannot explain the relief that came when I let go of this burden.  I pumped a bit longer just to stay comfortable and alleviate some of that guilt from denying my child so many of those important antibodies that they get in the first six weeks.  Then I was done and my baby was officially a bottle-feeder.

It was beautiful.  My husband loved that he could participate more in the newborn care and help out with feeding our sweet girl.  So did my children who enjoyed taking turns holding the bottle and snuggling with me while we fed her, something I never could have done while breastfeeding.  I didn’t stress about feeding her and if she was hungry, I was happy to oblige.  I had thought I didn’t like the newborn stage but I realized that the struggle of breastfeeding had completely clouded my judgement.  I loved my newborn!  I enjoyed her more than the other two because pain and frustration and guilt was not coming between us.  I felt close to her when we snuggled up with a bottle and I took joy in her that I had never felt at those early stages before.  

I kept going and kept trying even in all of the blood, pain, frustration and awkwardness because I wanted a healthy baby and I wanted to be a super mom and I didn’t want people to think I was a quitter even though it was tough because after all, breast is best.  But I am here to say that breast is not best for everyone.  While I wish I could have been good at it, breastfeeding did not work for me and it took three children before I was finally able to let go of the guilt that our society has created about bottle feeding (which equals lazy, bad parenting because it means you don’t want to connect with your child).  We should not make others feel guilty or like they are less of a mom if they choose to bottle feed.  Babies can be just as healthy on formula and I am grateful to live in an age where other good options to breastfeeding are so readily available.  I’m also incredibly grateful to that nurse practitioner who supported me and helped alleviate my guilt.  The most important thing is that we sustain life and keep our children alive and thriving. If breastfeeding works for you, then lucky you! Enjoy it!  But if it doesn’t, let it go and don’t feel bad about it.  Being happy and healthy is what is best for both you and your baby.