Awkward Girl Seeks Friends

I'm starting to wonder if I'm as socially awkward as I feel. For years I have felt that I was pretty good at faking it until making it but now I'm starting to feel uncovered. Remember that I hosted a neighborhood potluck and lots of people came? I thought that once we had a chance to sit down and talk and break the ice, my neighbors would be friendlier to me. Ironically, the only one who is being nicer and more talkative with me is the one neighbor who didn't come to the potluck. It got even more awkward at the bus stop because I'm thinking that we're all friends now but no, there are still four ladies who stand in a little square every day and hardly talk to anyone else. There is no breaking in, just me standing uncomfortably near their square hoping that they will say something to me. It is way too awkward to just bust into their little square and they make no effort to include me or even be friendly and say good morning. So, I've stopped going to the bus stop. As it is right across the street from my house, there is really no need to go, but I tried for a few weeks hoping that we would become friends, but that isn't what was happening and I just can't take the strangeness of it all. Why aren't any of them talking to me?

I wish I could blame it on the fact that they all moved in six months before me and all live right next door to each other, but another new family moved in just two months ago and already, she's part of the square. How did she manage to accomplish this? It is baffling to me and very disheartening to try so hard at something and not be any farther along. In fact, to almost be in a worse position for having tried because now it feels like it is personal and not just because they don't know me, which I hope is me being over sensitive but seriously, why is it so hard to make friends? Does anyone else struggle with this or is it just me?

I recently had a discussion with a woman who has been a military wife for almost 20 years. She not only moves every few years but every move has been over an ocean. She was saying that home is wherever her husband and kids are and that she loves the adventure of living abroad. I like the idea of it in theory because I love traveling but  I like being settled in one place. I don't like moving and having to start all over again. Notwithstanding the physical challenges of moving and being someplace new, which is difficult enough, there is the social challenge of meeting new people and creating a new network of friends, or a friend family (you know, the friends who love you and take care of you like family because your family is far away).  I knew this about myself but couldn't quite figure out what it was that made this true. After our conversation though clarity dawned and I realized it is because it takes me forever to make real friends.

I am not good at being around people that don't really know me. I don't like chit chat and am not going to confide in or talk to just anyone about my real feelings. I'm also self-conscious and worry a lot about how people are perceiving me. With two exceptions in my entire adult life, it has taken a lot of time and shared experiences for me to make a friend. I've been trying so hard to be more talkative, outgoing and friendly lately and let me tell you, it is NOT working. I was recently introduced to a woman by a mutual friend and we had a nice conversation, although honestly I was trying really hard and maybe too hard because I have seen this woman at least five times since then and she hasn't said a word to me. In fact, she's avoided eye contact as if trying to say, please, don't talk to me. I've smiled, said hello and tried to look friendly and open to conversation and all I've gotten is the cold shoulder. Our kids were in the same class last year and our three-year-old kids enjoy playing together at the gym day care. Why wouldn't she want to at least be polite with me? Aren't other people out there trying to make connections? Why doesn't anyone else seem to be looking for friends or at least friendly acquaintances when you keep running into the same people? Is there something wrong with me or off-putting? Where are all the extroverts of the world?

So, what to do? Honestly, I've been spending a lot of time by myself or with the few people that I am positive like me and are true friends. It is a short list though, no thanks to a bunch of them moving away lately, so it has meant a lot more alone time (meaning just me and my kids, no friend time). In a way I find this peaceful and relaxing but it is also a bit lonely when it feels like no one reaches out or seems to want to spend any time with me. Or when I need to go to the dentist and there are only two or three people I feel like I could ask to watch my kids while I go. Thankfully I've got a best friend in my husband and his advice was just not to worry about it. He suggested I go to the bus stop and act how I want to without worrying about how I am being perceived or if it is awkward. Maybe I'll stop trying so hard to make friends and hope that just being my quiet self will draw people to me that actually want to be my friend.