My Best Friend
I've been trying all week to think up a different topic but I just keep coming back to how much I love my husband, so forgive me for this very personal peek into my heart. It was 20 years ago that we were beginning to date and Valentine's Day will be the 20th anniversary of our first kiss. Today I was cleaning out my storage closet and found a box of letters we wrote to each other while living states apart and I could feel the desperate desire we had to be together. It was incredibly difficult being apart from each other for years when we were so connected. I had a flashback to that longing to just see him and be able to hug him and talk to him without worrying about the phone bill or my five roommates or what the time difference was between us.
This week I picked up a journal off my shelf trying to jog some other memories and it just happened to be from right after we got married. My happiness was overwhelming. I say over and over again how my dreams have finally come true and I couldn't be more content than I was then to just be with Josh. Every day events were a joy with him and I loved the normality of grocery shopping and cleaning together.
A friend recently suggested that my relationship with my husband was a bit unusual and it has caused me to reflect more on why our marriage is the way that it is. Thinking back on my childhood, I have always been a bit lonely. I am the youngest of five girls and my closest sister is five years older. I spent a large amount of time as a kid pestering her to get her attention, which shockingly only caused her to like me less because she would get in trouble retaliating. I used to scan through her journal just to look for my name to see if she ever wrote about me, be it good or bad, but my name was never there. My sisters were older and didn't seemed interested in my little kid life, nor in including me in their teenage/young adult life; not that I blame them but that is just the way it was.
As a result of that loneliness and feeling a bit left out of my family, I have always sought out good friends and have been blessed to make many along the way. My childhood friends were so dear to me, although somehow I often ended up in a group of three and regularly still felt left out. But high school was a rebirth for me and my junior and senior years were especially wonderful. I found a group that I belonged to and loved and close friends that were a wonderful blessing to me, giving me a new-found confidence. College was much the same way and I found that as long as I had one close friend to talk to and rely on and help me through my social anxieties, I was happy and content. Maybe you are thinking I am pathetic and should have been content all on my own and in a way, I was (I did go to London and on a mission all on my own) but I was much braver and happier with a close friend. Some people need a bunch of acquaintances to feel happy but all I've ever needed was just a few, dependable and trustworthy friends in my life that I could connect to emotionally and with whom I could have fun.
It is hard to describe but when I met Josh, we had a pretty instant connection. We went on a few dates but in between we would talk for hours on the phone. I went out of town just days after our first date and we wrote letters to each other even though I was only gone a few days. We have always had the ability and desire to talk to each other and share everything with one another. As our friendship and relationship grew, I finally felt like I had someone who totally understood me. Much of my life I was told I was too sensitive or that my feelings were an over reaction and unjustified. Here was someone who listened and cared and never passed judgment on my feelings. I had learned to be quiet and careful about how I expressed myself and yet with him I could be more open than I ever had been before and amazingly enough, he reciprocated. I was his trusted confidant as well; a role that I relish. It is hard to describe but as we dated and talked and shared and truly became best friends, I felt loved, needed and safe in a new and wonderful way.
Today that continues. When I get really upset about something, the first person I want to talk to about it is with him, even if the problem is him. I know he will listen without interrupting and respond appropriately. He lets me work it out because even when I am totally wrong or being unkind or frustrated about something, the more I talk it out, the more calm I get and I usually finish up by recognizing my mistake or being willing to forgive. He never brings things up again or makes fun of me or makes me feel badly for how I felt. My feelings are totally safe with him and I love him for it. He allows me to completely be myself while always encouraging me to be my best, without ever actually saying it.
That is why when I read in a book that a woman had a bad day and the first thing she did was call all of her girl friends over, I was confused. I asked my book club if they thought that was funny and that's when I learned that I am the funny one for wanting to talk to my husband first. (Although I must say that I love my girl time and appreciate my friends who are such a help and support to me and who are also great listeners). I don't know if it is good or bad but I've been sharing everything important to me with him for 20 years now as other friends have come and gone. So even if it is unusual, I'm going to stick with what is working and be grateful to be married to my best friend and the best man I know.
This week I picked up a journal off my shelf trying to jog some other memories and it just happened to be from right after we got married. My happiness was overwhelming. I say over and over again how my dreams have finally come true and I couldn't be more content than I was then to just be with Josh. Every day events were a joy with him and I loved the normality of grocery shopping and cleaning together.
A friend recently suggested that my relationship with my husband was a bit unusual and it has caused me to reflect more on why our marriage is the way that it is. Thinking back on my childhood, I have always been a bit lonely. I am the youngest of five girls and my closest sister is five years older. I spent a large amount of time as a kid pestering her to get her attention, which shockingly only caused her to like me less because she would get in trouble retaliating. I used to scan through her journal just to look for my name to see if she ever wrote about me, be it good or bad, but my name was never there. My sisters were older and didn't seemed interested in my little kid life, nor in including me in their teenage/young adult life; not that I blame them but that is just the way it was.
As a result of that loneliness and feeling a bit left out of my family, I have always sought out good friends and have been blessed to make many along the way. My childhood friends were so dear to me, although somehow I often ended up in a group of three and regularly still felt left out. But high school was a rebirth for me and my junior and senior years were especially wonderful. I found a group that I belonged to and loved and close friends that were a wonderful blessing to me, giving me a new-found confidence. College was much the same way and I found that as long as I had one close friend to talk to and rely on and help me through my social anxieties, I was happy and content. Maybe you are thinking I am pathetic and should have been content all on my own and in a way, I was (I did go to London and on a mission all on my own) but I was much braver and happier with a close friend. Some people need a bunch of acquaintances to feel happy but all I've ever needed was just a few, dependable and trustworthy friends in my life that I could connect to emotionally and with whom I could have fun.
It is hard to describe but when I met Josh, we had a pretty instant connection. We went on a few dates but in between we would talk for hours on the phone. I went out of town just days after our first date and we wrote letters to each other even though I was only gone a few days. We have always had the ability and desire to talk to each other and share everything with one another. As our friendship and relationship grew, I finally felt like I had someone who totally understood me. Much of my life I was told I was too sensitive or that my feelings were an over reaction and unjustified. Here was someone who listened and cared and never passed judgment on my feelings. I had learned to be quiet and careful about how I expressed myself and yet with him I could be more open than I ever had been before and amazingly enough, he reciprocated. I was his trusted confidant as well; a role that I relish. It is hard to describe but as we dated and talked and shared and truly became best friends, I felt loved, needed and safe in a new and wonderful way.
Today that continues. When I get really upset about something, the first person I want to talk to about it is with him, even if the problem is him. I know he will listen without interrupting and respond appropriately. He lets me work it out because even when I am totally wrong or being unkind or frustrated about something, the more I talk it out, the more calm I get and I usually finish up by recognizing my mistake or being willing to forgive. He never brings things up again or makes fun of me or makes me feel badly for how I felt. My feelings are totally safe with him and I love him for it. He allows me to completely be myself while always encouraging me to be my best, without ever actually saying it.
That is why when I read in a book that a woman had a bad day and the first thing she did was call all of her girl friends over, I was confused. I asked my book club if they thought that was funny and that's when I learned that I am the funny one for wanting to talk to my husband first. (Although I must say that I love my girl time and appreciate my friends who are such a help and support to me and who are also great listeners). I don't know if it is good or bad but I've been sharing everything important to me with him for 20 years now as other friends have come and gone. So even if it is unusual, I'm going to stick with what is working and be grateful to be married to my best friend and the best man I know.
You are very lucky. I have never felt like that, but that is definitely a relationship goal and what I wish for my daughters to find.
ReplyDeleteI love having you and josh as friends and such good examples. I, too, talk to Tony about everything. But there are times I also want my ladies. I’m like you, I rather have a couple really good friends around. :)
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